I've often wondered how my alpaca business plan would be received if I put it before the tycoons of Dragons Den.
This week it all became clearer....
So there I was in that bare brick warehouse clutching Dinnadin,our favourite alpaca, and facing a row of daunting 'Dragons'. I pulled the silken cloth from over his head and they all simultaeneously managed a smile.
Dinnadin had charmed them already.They would be putty in my hands.
I nervously made my pitch asking for a paltry sum of £50,000 investment, seemingly on the basis that they were 'cute' and I wanted some more.
James Caan was quick to declare himself 'out' stating he had an allergy to all things fluffy and for this reason he couldn't invest. He did however say he would love to bring his children over one weekend for a visit. I said he would be welcome.
Deborah Meaden started to quiz me on projected profits for years one,two and three and what returns to expect on her investment.
I stuttered an answer not structured on any findings fiscal or otherwise but reitterated that they were lovely.
She admitted this was so but proceeded to give me a dressing down on my business acumen,saying the sums just don't add up.
She had a look I didn't warm to,reminding me of a school teacher in the past.
I decided I couldn't go into business with someone that was going to give me lines or make me stand in the corner.
Duncan Bannatyne was the first to make an offer saying he "could'nae see a problem" and they were "terrific" Peter Jones,not wishing to be left out said he agreed and would match Duncans offer.
Theo Pahitis also declared an interest but only after asking a lot of questions about how much meat each animal produced and what they tasted like.
So, three offers on the table to choose from.
I walked Dinnadin to the back wall to 'take a moment' We didn't take long to dismiss Theos offer suspecting he had plans for some kind of Greek kebabs he wasn't being entirely honest about.
Dinnadin said he always thought Peter Jones was a bit too smug for his liking so Duncan was the dragon of choice.
As we shook hands I remembered Duncan had a criminal record way back in his past but decided to let bygones be bygones and everyone deserves a second chance.
Nevertheless I made a mental note to keep an eye on the petty cash.
And so it came to pass that Duncan arrived at Quelvehin and the fifty grand was in the bank.
We exchanged pleasantries and I took him to meet the alpacas. After a while I handed him a poop-scoop and wheelbarrow and following a quick demonstration he pushed up the sleeves of his Saville Row suit and knuckled down to some shit shovelling.
It didn't last for long though. "This is bloody crazy, yer ne'r gonna meck any money doing this man"
I told him that as a partner in this business he should learn to take the rough with the smooth and that it was all worthwhile because alpacas were, after all, very cute.
He had no argument with that and momentarily succumbed to a bit more scooping.
But it wasn't working for him.Something wasn't right. He started ranting about how we should start another company that specialised in animal waste management that then hired the machines from another company that we own that then had to get it processed at the proccessing plant that we can set up,and that way we actually get paid for somebody else to clear the fields.
I gave it some thought but couldn't see how we could get it all in place by this afternoon so I said we would have to carry on as we were.
It was at this point that everything became very surreal as dreams have a tendancy to do and we were farming lime green turtles, checking they were pregnant by pressing their soft underbellies to see if a little head popped out.Wrapping them in tissue paper and stacking them in crates.
Clearly it was time to wake up.
Now I don't know what all this drivel means or why I think you should be interested but, turtles aside maybe I'm trying to tell myself something.
When poo picking starts giving you nightmares It's time to buy a poo hoover. So if anyone has one for sale please get in touch. I have an imaginary budget of £50,000
I'm sure Duncan would approve.